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The 5 Greatest 4×4 Lies

The 5 Greatest 4×4 Lies

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You don’t even believe them yourself, but you say these 4×4 lies anyway.

GENERALLY, 4X4 people are good people. They tend to be self-reliant, outgoing, adventurous and as travel widens the mind, open-minded. But in specific situations they are also outright liars. We say these things, and half the time we are trying to convince ourselves…not sure we convince anyone else!

Here’s the top six 4X4 Lies, from 6th to 1st:

6. I know where we are

Usually means you can see the pointer on the GPS screen so yes, technically you know where you are, but that’s not the same as knowing a) where you’re going and b) how to get there or even c) where you’ve come from.

Alternate truth – knowing where we are as in “going towards Talbotville” which is geographically vague enough to be true of any location on earth except Talbotville.

5. It didn’t cost that much

If you’re pressed, here’s the formula for working out the real cost:

Actual cost of mod = cost you claim plus 20%, plus every other cost like a bag, fitting, alignment, time off work.

So let’s say you have a new winch. It cost $1000. You claim $800 and omit snatch blocks, winch extension straps and everything else because of the Under $150 rule which means those costs don’t exist and therefore need not be added.

4. It’s done now

Claimed in relation to every modified vehicle, ever, and in particular to 4x4s which means no more time and money need be spent on the vehicle. To be clear, “done” in this context is “done” as in the household chores are done…they are now, but they’ll need doing again very soon. Not that the analogy

3. I need that

The problem with the “done” lie is that you then cannot spend any more time or money on the vehicle.  But wait! What if it NEEDS doing? Because it will make things safer, more efficient, you’ll save money in the long run, and anyway it’s not for me it’s for you, those lockers mean we can go slower, that new camper trailer is more comfortable for you. Some people can run a masterclass in Reasons Why I Did This For You, Not Me.

The good thing about 4x4s compared to streetcars is that you can always play the safety card good and hard. It’s difficult to justify splitters or spoilers, but a long range tank is absolutely necessary because you don’t want to die by running out of fuel…think of the kids!!!

2. I’ll be home by four

Usually said at 3pm when you’re at least 45 minutes drive from the nearest road, and 45 minutes drive from home by Google’s most optimistic estimates. You ignore the time required to air up because that’s only a few minutes, and the carwash won’t take a sec. So you’re really two hours out, at best, but the special rules of time and space mean you kid yourself it’s really just one hour.

Then you turn around and do another track.

1. You’ll be right
Words that accompany any advice that leads to disaster – backing into a tree, breaking a winch rope, running out of fuel across the Simpson or trying to replace a tyre with one tyre lever.

Robert Pepper Automotive journalist specialising in 4X4s, sportscars, camping and future tech.

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